


But Was It?

by madamedicelia



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, M/M, Unrequited Love, idek, just ranting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 02:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1881390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamedicelia/pseuds/madamedicelia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iceland went through a rough time but upon further inspection he cannot decide whether he overreacted. The guilt is eating him alive and he is unsure of anything anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Was It?

**Author's Note:**

> I like how no one knows me on here so I can just throw this here and run :3

3 Years Ago

 

Emil dropped into his chair and opened his laptop. The familiar background greeted him as the hardware clicked and rebooted. Once the piece of old technology loaded, he opened up the Internet. He had just finished a new book and wanted to see if anyone had drawn any fan-art. Surprisingly, Google did not disappoint (for once). Emil scrolled through the pages, admiring everyone’s interpretation of the characters. He always had found it interesting that two people could read the same novel and come up with completely different images for the characters. 

Many of the links led to a site, deviantART, and Emil loved that site since he could find fan-artwork for almost any book. He had created an account but felt his art wasn’t good enough for anyone to see so he just admired others from afar. 

This had been Emil’s routine for weeks now. After school, he would check his deviantART for new works and then read thus giving him more worlds to look up fan-art for. It was quite a nice cycle. He loved how he could immerse himself in the world of books and just forget real life for a while. He could be happy, excited, worried and scared without moving. He could travel the world and meet people and discover cultures without ever leaving his room. Mostly he was glad to escape the real world, even if only for a few hours. Anything was better than his life.

His brother, Lukas, had college classes scattered throughout the day and for the rest of the time he worked. Emil only saw him at meals most days. Lukas tried to connect with his brother but just couldn’t find the right way or common link. 

School was even worse. Emil’s classmates either downright ignored him or picked on him to no end. He couldn’t decide which was worse. Being ignored left him alone with his thoughts but it also meant he was always left out. It hurt seeing his peers laugh and joke mere feet away but blatantly excluding him. Being picked on meant they acknowledge him but not in a favorable way. 

Emil didn’t really care for fads or pop culture which left him slightly behind on slang. This made for the worst of the bullying since Emil didn’t even understand what was happening on account of the strange words they used. Not only did he have to deal with the annoyance of being teased but also the embarrassment of not being up-to-date. That often caused him to dig himself a deeper hole. When they got tired of making fun of his vocabulary, they tormented him about his appearance. “What’s wrong with your eyes?” “Are you mute or something?” “Can’t you do anything with out looking so weird?”

Emil cringed as he remembered the latest insult. One child had turned to him and asked, “So are you a transvestite or?” Caught off guard by the inquiry Emil stuttered for a second giving the other a chance to prod further. “So you’re one of those hermaphrodites. I knew you didn’t look right.” Before Emil could get a word in edgewise, the boy left and a minute later all his friends were laughing in his direction. 

Emil’s face burned with anger and embarrassment. If only he wasn’t such a wimp he could’ve explained everything. He could have argued back, come up with a clever retort. Stood up for himself. Instead he hid his face in his book and tried to block out their laughter and jabs. 

Such blows had been the norm since he started school though they escalated more each year. The latest method was becoming close to him only to abuse his trust and intelligence then tossing him aside. His “friends” would never invite him to get-togethers or talk after school but would jest all about their outings in front of him. Then they would have the gall to call him a “best friend.” The most awful part was the Emil was prone to believing their lies. He always had a tiny bit of pesky hope that they would actually like him. It was an atrocious cycle, one that he had gone through countless times and probably still would.

Emil had never been so happy to be finally entering his last year at this school. He could finally leave all these idiots behind, get rid of the users and abusers. But, at the same time, he was worried. Anxious. What would he do without this routine? What would happen to him in high school? What if he were alone again? He couldn’t stand the thought of being bullied and ignored for another four years. The thought of leaving terrified him. He’d be leaving all he knew, however much it was painful and irritating. He would have nothing, no one, after he left. It was like his world was collapsing under his feet. Like there was nothing left, no life for him after this, no one and nothing to live for. Paired with the endless bullying, this thought wormed its way deep in his brain. 

During particularly bad times, Emil was too depressed to cry and pinched his stomach and thighs until they bruised. Sometimes it was just to feel something, make the pain real. Others it was to take out his hate for his screw-ups on himself. Sometimes he didn’t quite know why he did it. One day he had just had enough and wrote out his sadness and hurt and it turned into a jumble of one line; “I can’t take this anymore.” He was horrified to find himself thinking that but it also seemed like such a perfect solution. If he weren’t alive he wouldn’t have to deal with the bullying or grades or his dim future. He battled between feeling relieved and disheartened when he found he couldn’t do the deed. Emil wasn’t even talented or good enough to do that. 

He spent the rest of the year in this fog, forever trying to hide but also trying to find a reason to live. Graduation came and went. His friends cried and swore to call each other to hang out though he knew none of them had ever asked for his number. During the summer, Emil drowned himself in television shows and books. He tried to better his art and writing but rarely had motivation. He only had time to check his deviantART once a week but that one time was his favorite. The site had felt more like home than anything recently. There he felt he fit in and everyone was so nice to him. It was like a dream. 

And then school started.

The anxiety dawned on him again as he entered high school. He had grown so insecure that he wore baggy shirts and dull colors, which stuck out like a sore thumb. Talking to people gave him even more anxiety, especially when it seemed everyone already knew each other. The different schedule and building frightened him. Everyday was like that feeling when you’re walking up stairs and miss a step except the feeling doesn’t go away. 

He had found some people who had taken him in as one of the outcasts but clearly they all were already close. They chattered about people he’d never heard of and cracked inside jokes. At least they tried to include him. Sometimes it worked but Emil couldn’t shake the fact that they could never really include him. Their clique had already formed and they had already bonded in such a way that a stranger like Emil could never be truly part of the group. Emil appreciated the somewhat effort; it was better to be nominally someone’s friend than to be bullied by them. With them, he also saw that he could break form the stereotype his old peers had boxed him into. Despite all that, the dark thoughts never left Emil’s head. 

He still felt disposable to the world. 

Thanksgiving was a major blow to him. Lukas had insisted on baking his own turkey and working on it for hours. At the last second, his friend rung him up and invited him to a party. Lukas quickly wrapped up the turkey and told Emil he could eat now if he wanted. And so, it was Thanksgiving evening and Emil was sat in his kitchen eating turkey and mashed potatoes alone. The holiday where you’re supposed to spend time with your family and enjoy each other’s company… and Lukas had abandoned him. Emil thought he was used to feeling alone but this hit hard. 

During the party, everyone laughed and ate together but there was no room at the table for Emil so he sat in the kitchen. After the dinner, no one remembered his presence or even bothered to talk to him while they got drinks out of the fridge. Lukas had been quite satisfied with the party and quickly fell asleep once they got home. Finally alone, Emil let the emotions out and sobbed. He felt horrible. He wondered how no one could see this. How he had managed to hold it in. 

The next few days were very quiet. Not even his favorite artist uploading could make Emil feel better. Eventually, time dulled the sorrow though the thought still hurt. 

By holiday break he was feeling normal. Not the standard of normal, but his version of normal. One of his favorite deviants had showed him a song and Emil was obsessed. He loved the tune and how the lyrics made him feel; like he wasn’t alone and was actually worth something. He listened to it on repeat for days. When checking his journal messages, he saw that same person was freaking out about a music video release from the same band that sung the song he was listening to. Piqued, he watched it and found he loved it too. He Googled the band to find out their names so he could understand the detailed comments the deviant had made. In his search he found that they had made many videos chronicling their daily lives along with a plentitude of interviews and articles. Curiosity got the best of him and he watched one then another and then another. By the time he looked at the clock it was nearly 3am. He hadn’t even been paying attention. He loved watching this band interact with each other. They were so grounded and clearly were friends. They made tacky jokes and spoke honestly to each other while still being silly. 

Over the next few days Emil watched countless interviews and read everything he could about the band, even subscribing to a magazine obsessed with them. It kept him up-to-date on the band news in an entertaining manner while also introducing him to similar bands. He noted they often spoke of their tweets and decided to make a twitter so he wouldn’t miss them anymore. What a decision that was.

On deviantART, people were nice but it was like school; the cliques had already been established and there was little hope of changing that. On twitter, everyone was a stranger. You send out messages into the oblivion of the Internet and that was that. Emil reveled in the anonymity and being able to start over, creating an Internet personality that fit him and was what he wanted people to see him as. He celebrated band members’ birthdays with the fandom, participated in memes and live-tweeted shows. It was like a giant family bonded over a love of a band. It was amazing to feel such love for a band and everything they did and to know that others felt the same even though you couldn’t totally describe the feeling. He noted that he spent hours on his computer and phone but he didn’t really mind; he was having more fun online than in real life. 

Late at night was when everyone’s mask fell off though. Confession nights led everyone’s colors shine and secrets to roam free. He was nervous at first but quickly joined in, sighing as the weight of his secrets fell off his shoulders. No one may have read his secrets or many people may have but just writing them and releasing them was wonderfully cathartic. 

You also got to see how alike they all were. Everyone suffered with the same problems and they all held each other up. Emil saw that the fandoms were homes for the outcasts and oddlings, a place where broken people can feel safe. Knowing he wasn’t alone -while not fixing his problems- made him feel much better. After a while, he felt like he was being healed a bit. Maybe not properly or with the right stuff but he felt anything was acceptable when you were at the edge of the cliff. It didn’t matter what saved you as long as you lived.

That joy on the Internet transitioned into his real life, too. Emil actually started putting effort into his wardrobe as opposed to sweatshirts all the time. He cracked a smile and even sometimes laughed around the people he grew to call his friends. Lukas could see it, too. He wasn’t sure what was happening but didn’t want to mess with it if it made Emil happy. 

However, once the fandom hit the high over the next summer, Emil could see it going down. His favorite blogs stopped tweeting as much and often talked about they’re real life experiences while Emil was finding more TV shows to watch. It saddened him to see them go; it was like they grew up right before him. 

Still Emil stayed; it felt more like home to him on there. It was a place to vent and find funny thoughts to cheer him up and people to relate to. A place to hide when his “best friend” was rude and stabbed him in the back. A place to run to when his girlfriend broke up with him after admitting she never really liked him. A place to be when he had no one. It was kind of sad but it could be worse; Emil knew that. Somewhere at the back of his mind, Emil knew he should be going to Lukas about these issues but their relationship wasn’t close and he didn’t know how to know the gap.

Like he said, he wasn’t fixed perfectly but it was enough.

 

~~

 

Present

 

It is the middle of junior year. Three years ago Emil had thought he would not bother to live to see this day. How things had changed. Yet, how they remained the same.

Emil is still rather alone in real life; he has one friend he could somewhat trust though he could feel his past haunting him and prohibiting his actions. However, Emil is more comfortable with himself now. He realizes he had no one to impress and no one dictated how he should act or look. He basically said a big “fuck you” to society and lived his life as he say fit. Sweatshirts are for lazy people? Screw it, they’re warm and comfy. Don’t romanticize life? Fuck that; who cares what you need to do to cope. 

Emil let himself feel. He felt the happiness of being around his friends, the sadness when one of them got hurt, and anger when one of them challenged him. He had grown quite hot blooded but in a good nature; he didn’t blow up in everyone’s face or let one comment set him off. It was more like he finally allowed himself to be passionate about something offline.

And honestly this is the best he’d felt in a long time. He can see that he had a future, a purpose in life now. He isn’t sure what it was but he loves living anyways. Feeling emotions and feeling alive were like his drug and he never wanted the high to end. 

And even better, there is a boy. He sits next to him in history class and they often talk all class. His name is Leon and Emil is sure he will never meet a person as sarcastic as the Hong Konger. They both loved to draw and while Leon had much more practice and talent, Emil still liked thinking up random ideas for them to draw. Sometimes they would choose characters from their favorite animes or draw one person in each other’s style. Emil loved hearing about Leon’s intriguing stories and was entertained by his tales of pranks. 

They’d gone to a convention together and talk regularly but Emil couldn’t shake the feeling that Leon didn’t actually like him. Perhaps it was the sarcasm or his brisk manner but Emil felt like Leon put up with him to have entertainment in class rather than be a friend. 

One night, Emil was talking to his skype friends and they had dared each other to add random people to their call and Emil had managed find Leon’s. Once added, Leon was greeted by Emil’s friends being weird and silly and cracking pervy jokes but much to Emil’s surprise Leon joined right in. That night they ended up talking will two in the morning. They mentioned it the next day in class and Leon had been a bit confused and surprised but liked the atmosphere. It turns out they had a lot in common and Leon wanted to join the group again today. 

Turns out, Leon became a permanent addition to their group. They would host a call everyday and talk for hours or just scroll quietly on the Internet. Lukas was starting to get annoyed to hear Emil cackling at the wee hours of the morning or talking all day and often yelled at him to get off the computer. Emil would retort that he was talking to his friends and were they to live close by he would never be on his computer. Lukas would scoff and say that Emil better keep up his grades, which he always did anyways. 

Some times, their other friends were away and Leon and Emil had their own calls, mostly to complain about school and their lives but they also helped each other with their homework and drew together. Emil liked those kinds of calls best. They gave him hope that Leon did actually like his as a friend. The only annoying part was that Emil liked him a bit more than friends. He tried to deny it and push the feeling away but it kept turning up like a bad penny. Emil always caught himself staring at the video feed as Leon watched cat videos with a bored expression or when he was telling a story and getting into it. Emil would shake this head and try to concentrate on something else but the thought always lingered in his head, Wow, he’s really cute. He tried to just forget those feelings and swore never to express them because he valued their friendship too much. 

Late one night, when all walls had fallen in the dark, they both slipped their darkest secrets. Leon admitted to things Emil promised to never let leave his lips but he froze when it came to tell his own. He knew what he wanted to get off his shoulders, the secret that had been weighing on him for three years. But he couldn’t do it. That same secret and past experience wouldn’t let him. He choked and mumbled out some obscure story that he hoped Leon would understand but it was simply too irrelevant. Emil regretted it so much. Leon had basically bared his soul and here Emil could barely get one sentence out. He sincerely hoped that one day he could fix it and tell Leon the truth.

Quicker than expected, the school year ended and summer rolled in. With no homework or school to interrupt, Skype calls now lasted all day. Emil considered his Internet friends closer to him than anyone he saw on a daily basis. Sure he still went out with his friends occasionally but he didn’t feel he could truly trust them. But that could be his old issues getting in the way. But he had Leon and that was more than he’d had all his life and it was more than enough. 

Leon invited Emil to sleepover one night, mostly after much insisting and bargaining after Emil divulged he’d never been to one. The day was simple with them floating in Leon’s pool and then playing video games. Come sunset they decided to lay outside and watch the stars since Leon’s house was far enough away from the city so the bright lights wouldn’t blot out the starlight. 

“It’s like you know all my secrets and I nothing about you,” Leon says, turning to face Emil.

Emil bunches his eyebrows and states, “You know my secrets. I told you once.”

“You mean that bullshit story?” Leon scoffs. “I just went along with it because you looked so uncomfortable; I didn’t want to, like, push you.”

Emil rolls over to look at the sky again and snorts, “How do tell someone you were a suicidal little shit.”

Emil hears Leon exhale in shock before he replies. “Well, you could have just said that.”

“I- I couldn’t,” Emil stutters while glancing at Leon. “I’ve still got my reservations about it.”

“Like what?” Leon inquires. Emil is rather surprised that he is taking this so well.

“Like whether it was worth it,” Emil mumbles. 

Leon leans up to rest on his elbows and look at Emil. “What do you mean by that?”

Emil feels a blush creep up his neck. “I don’t think I was as bad as I seem to remember it. I mean, I was in a pretty bad place but other people seem to have it so much worse and now I feel like I’m a drama queen. I feel like what I went through wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be because now I see others had to deal with worse. Ugh, this is so embarrassing,” Emil groans, covering his face with his hands.

“What are you talking about?” Leon asked, disturbed. “Of course it was real. You felt things that were bad enough to drive you to think that. Why would you think it wasn’t?”

“Because I didn’t do what others did- er do. And everyone got called worse things and I just feel like I made too much of a deal about it and I feel really guilty about it,” Emil mutters from behind his hands.

“Does it matter what other people do or think?” Leon asks, trying to meet Emil’s eyes. “You said you didn’t care what other people think.”

Emil sighs. “I try not to. But this has been weighing on me so long that I can’t get over it.”

Leon sits up. “So what you were a little dramatic. You went through your shit and dealt with it in your own way. You might’ve been a bit different but you lived and that’s all that matters. It’s in the past.”

Emil moves his hands and looks up at Leon. “You think so? But how do I move on? I’ve been dwelling on this for years.”

Leon plays with Emil’s hair, flicking his bangs around and says, “Just stop beating yourself up about it. Accept it and move on; there’s nothing you can do about it now. Let it go.”

Emil snorts and threatens, “If you start singing that song…”

Leon cracks a rare smile and says, “Only if it will cheer you up.”

“I think I’ll save that for another day,” Emil jokes. “But seriously, thank you. I’ve never told anyone else this and just saying it is like taking a fifty-pound weight off my shoulders. I feel like I might actually be able to move on now.”

“Good,” Leon says, flipping a piece of hair directly onto Emil’s nose causing him to exhale sharply.

“Stop that,” Emil laughs. “I’m trying to be serious.”

In response Leon messes up Emil’s hair, ruffling his bangs so they cover his face. “Time for being serious is over. Being serious is boring. Besides, time for that stuff is over, like, time to move on.”

Emil bats away Leon’s hands and fixes his hair. “That sounds pretty good then,” he says with a slight smile.

**Author's Note:**

> This shall be my poorly-diguised chronicle of some things I wish would happen.


End file.
